Scanxiety is possibly the worst thing about living with cancer. From the arrival of that hospital stamped envelope detailing your appointment to sitting in the waiting room for your results, it’s horrendous. The anxiety builds up from a little niggle to full blown irrational hysteria. The niggle being at the opening of the envelope and the hysterical state whilst in the waiting room.
This week we received bad news about my daddy. On Wednesday they told us he had a 10% chance of waking up after surgery for a sore throat. Yes, you read that right, he ended up in hospital with a sore throat and a week later we were having the worst day of our lives. Each time I left dad, I was terrified it would be the last time I would see him. Each phone call would fill me with dread – was it bad news? I thought scanxiety was bad but this last two weeks has been worse than any fear I’ve ever experienced.
It’s different. I’m absolutely petrified but I’m also angry. Why is this happening to my dad? He doesn’t deserve this. He’s my amazing wonderful dad and I’m furious at the universe that he’s been so damn unlucky to get such an aggressive and life threatening infection. But these are the same questions I’ve asked about my own illness. I’m more scared than when I’ve ever gone for my scan results and I believe it’s down to control. When I’ve had setbacks, I’ve been involved in all decision making surrounding my treatment. I can’t control what happens to dad – his life is in the hands of Warrington Hospitals Intensive Care Unit and we are relying on to save his life. We have to trust them like I trust the medical team who look after me, and they are doing a fantastic job. We’ve seen slight improvements in dad so all we can do is hope and pray that he can fight and come back to us.
Honestly, scanxiety is a walk in the park compared to this.