Night from hell….?

I thought I would share the story of the surreal night with cat lady

Let me explain who we all are;
Cat lady – admitted yesterday
Ellen – is me!
Evelyn, Ivy, Elsie, Helen – is actually Ellen….

15:00 nurse appears and said she needs to clarify her (Cat lady’s) details before her surgery. Within 5 minutes cat woman had shared her story about her Gym (get off the number 81 opposite Morrisons and theres our gym) now at this stage i am quietly playing on the iPad minding my own business when I hear her telling the nurse about Zumba and the other classes. I then heard a bit of a shuffling sound so I couldn’t resist a peak…lo and behold, she was up showing the nurse her Zumba Gold moves. I honestly can’t do this scene justice with words so you will just have to trust me when I say that it was the funniest thing I have ever seen….

17.45 “do you know Speke?” Me “no” carry on reading, John “Yes” I had no sympathy for him when she waffled on for 15 minutes about Morrisons, the gym and the number 81….

18.15 me and John are snuggling up and she came over and thrust cordial in our face “do you like cordial”, us “No”, “have you seen my baby?” To which she went and got a picture of her cat “she loves getting in my bed she does….(more waffling which we are not listening to)….and my pussy licked my nose” at this point she caught our attention but we just stared at her in disbelief. Our Mikes face was a picture when we shared this story…

19.30 to John “hey Ron….”

20:00 “your leg looks funny” gee thanks cat lady, your bowl cut looks funny but I’m far politer than you….

21:00 – cat lady’s daughter was insistent on tucking my feet in to keep me warm. Surprised she didn’t get in for a snuggle….

22:00 – cat lady “Ellen, Evelyn Can I close the curtains? I can’t sleep with them open, my partner sleeps in a separate room beca….” Me “just close the curtains, it’s fine”

23:00 – “Ellen, how’s your leg” before I could answer she continued with rumblings about my swelling and how it compared with her shoulder….my thought ‘Shoot me now!!’

23:40 – “my cat is the boss, we call him furball or fish face….” Erm ok, leave me to go to sleep and stop talking shit.

01:00 – I attempted to sneak for a wee but she heard me-even over her thunderous snoring “hey Ellen, where you going” oh how I wanted to respond to say “I’m off pole dancing” or “hiking get the number 81 to Speke” I know every single stop on the route of the number 81 by the way….

06:00 I was soundly asleep when I heard “El, you know, I suffer from incontinence, they gave me these tiddy nappies” (clearly displayed with hand gestures) “but I brought me own” one of which was immediately thrust into my face. She then proceeded to try to find the name of the brand on the crotch of her ‘nappy thing’ but couldn’t. I told her to go and put the bleeder on before turning over in disbelief. Woman, do I look like I know brands of incontinence pads? No, I’m twenty bloody nine…

08:15 CW “hey El, is that leg brace your own or from the hospital?”
ME “It’s mine, I didn’t exactly plan this”
CW “So what ‘ave you ‘ad done?”
ME “Cancer in my leg”
CW “I know how you feel, I have a frozen leg….”

09:00 “my doctors asked why I slept with so many pillows so I told him that I can’t sleep flat”. I spat my water out at this one as I just couldn’t stop laughing, she should seriously be on stage…

09:15 “my wee smells of fish”

Ellen better get out of the shower now because I can not cope another second with this woman…

I’m sure you will all agree that last night has been one hell of an experience and I think I am due an award from the queen…

****update****
I was just checking this post when a nurse came in and spoke to cat woman. When you will hear this you will understand why I am considering making a complaint to the NHS…

Nurse “after your op we will transfer you to the day ward as you will be going home tonight”
CW “Why? I thought I was in ’til 23rd”
Nurse “we put that date on your board as you are a day case but you came in a day early and we didn’t now why you came in”
CW “What do you mean?”
Nurse “you should have only come in this morning and you will be going home tonight”

16 thoughts on “Night from hell….?

  1. Allison says:

    I was reading your blog as a mum of a fellow sarcoma patient. I was reading your convo describing the nappy situation and it made me feel sad. My daughter of 22 does now does have to use ‘nappies’ as a result of extensive spinal surgery and is learning names of different brands. Just a gentle reminder that there are lots of young people of a tender age who have incontinence issues and whilst you were probably knackered because of your neighbour please be aware that twenty bloody two year olds need to wear them too. She is writing a blog herself to raise awareness of sarcoma and this is one area that she is yet to feel comfortable talking about so please be more aware that there are young people struggling with this.

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  2. Ron says:

    Hi Emma well you have outdone me by miles lol i only had 4 crazy men in my ward i was lucky to keep my sanity lol. you did well staying cool carm and collective xx

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  3. Claire Davies says:

    Have u thought of ear plugs or really big headphones? Hopefully she will be gone soon and u can get someone normal in! – Lol! x

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  4. sam tungate says:

    Well sounds like you’re getting the proper NHS treatment there Em. No visit should be out at least one nutter on the ward that they’re not really that bothered about.

    Poor dear was probably just lonely (probably down to her fishy piss which explains the cats) the chance to talk to someone else got too much for her, hence the nappys haha

    Oh I have some right NHS nut job stories for you when you escape. We’ll meet up and exchange stories

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  5. mclozzer says:

    maybe you should stay a bit longer ….??? i cant offer you them entertainment levels …… i dont have fish smelling wee …or a pussy that licks your nose… i just cant compete with that lol .. xxxxxx

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  6. Pam Turner says:

    Ha ha ha Emma you cheered me up ….but sorry you had to endure this experience ….there is always
    one ….hope you soon in the comforts of your own home and you have done amazing xxxxPam

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  7. Vicky Williams says:

    Hahaha!! She sounds like a total nut job! I’m surprised they didn’t turn her away in the first place! At least she will be gone soon Ellen x (hehe)

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  8. Karen who lives fing miles away! says:

    Oh my god this story had ME needing those nappies!!! Lol 😉 I have such a vivid picture of this playing out on stage! Pity she won’t be coming back after surgery you could of got your own back whilst she’s still on the morphine! Hahaaa!

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  9. LisaMcNicholas says:

    Oh Emma!! What a real crappy nights sleep!! You do make me laugh tho how you’ve worded it! Keep Smilin tho Em you’re amazing! Xxxx

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  10. gill h says:

    You definitely need a medal Emma!! But I’ve never read anything as funny. Hope you are ok and come home soon. And hope cat lady does go home today ;-)Much love xxx

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